December 1, 2010

I have wanted to start a blog for some time now, but I was never quite sure what to blog about.  Today, I know for certain.  A mother's desire....a deep, longing and painful desire to have another child.  My husband and I have a beautiful 20 month old son whom we absolutely adore!  We want more children, we desire more children, we long for more children.
After several months of trying, I went to my OB and she suggested that I try an ovulation predictor kit.  So I bought one, but had no luck with it.  -The lines NEVER changed!  She also order an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries to be done on day 14 of my cycle, and a blood test to be done on day 21.
Yesterday, day 21, I had the blood test done.  Today I got the worst phone call of my life.  My doctor called to say that between the ultrasound and the blood test, the results show that I am not ovulating.  I wanted to collapse, I wanted to lie on the floor and sob for the rest of the day.  WHY? WHY? WHY???  Just as I was about to collapse, I heard the song 'No Matter What' by Kerrie Roberts, it goes like this:

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what.

So no matter what, I'm going to love Jesus!  I'm going to keep on serving Him and loving Him.  It will be hard, oh goodness will it ever be hard!  I want to scream and yell and say that it's not fair.  But I have got to hold onto the promise that this deep desire for more children has come from Him, and He will be faithful in His own timing.  That is what I cling to.