Is it in the water?!

I don't think I can go to Target anymore....Seriously, is that where ALL the pregnant people hang out?!  Do they breed there or what?!  Can't stand Facebook anymore either.  Every single time I go on, someone is announcing their pregnancy, updating pics from their ultrasound or their growing belly, or talking non-stop about feeling their baby kick, having heart-burn, all of those yummy things that go along with pregnancy.  Oh Lord, please do NOT let me be 'one of those' people when I get pregnant!  I think this long waiting period has taught me to be highly sensitive to others who may be in this same situation.
I am excited for my doctor appointment on Wednesday.  I am ready to start some treatments and get pregnant!

Cycle Day 3

Well yesterday was cycle day 3, and I had to go get some blood work done to test my FSH levels.  Hopefully the doctor will call soon with the results of that test so we know further what to do.  I am meeting with someone tonight who has had a lot of infertility issues.  I can't wait to talk about it with her and have all of these crazy questions answered!  I feel so alone.  I know I'm not alone, but I feel alone and very isolated.  It is so hard to be so happy for all of my friends who are pregnant.  I feel as though I am losing them because it is hard for me to be around them.  I love them dearly, and I hope they all know that, but I just cannot be myself when I am with them.

A mix of emotions

Yesterday I felt peace, today I feel pain.  It is raw and it is deep.  My soul grieves.  I so badly desire to have another child, that I can feel that soft newborn skin, smell that sweet newborn smell, and almost hear that precious newborn cry.  -The cry of LIFE!  Waiting...  Hoping...  Praying...

Peace

So I've had some time to process and digest everything and I really feel a very calming sense of peace about it all.  I know that my desire and longing for more children comes from the Lord, and He would not give that to me only to take away my dreams.  So today I will be still and listen.

December 1, 2010

I have wanted to start a blog for some time now, but I was never quite sure what to blog about.  Today, I know for certain.  A mother's desire....a deep, longing and painful desire to have another child.  My husband and I have a beautiful 20 month old son whom we absolutely adore!  We want more children, we desire more children, we long for more children.
After several months of trying, I went to my OB and she suggested that I try an ovulation predictor kit.  So I bought one, but had no luck with it.  -The lines NEVER changed!  She also order an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries to be done on day 14 of my cycle, and a blood test to be done on day 21.
Yesterday, day 21, I had the blood test done.  Today I got the worst phone call of my life.  My doctor called to say that between the ultrasound and the blood test, the results show that I am not ovulating.  I wanted to collapse, I wanted to lie on the floor and sob for the rest of the day.  WHY? WHY? WHY???  Just as I was about to collapse, I heard the song 'No Matter What' by Kerrie Roberts, it goes like this:

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what.

So no matter what, I'm going to love Jesus!  I'm going to keep on serving Him and loving Him.  It will be hard, oh goodness will it ever be hard!  I want to scream and yell and say that it's not fair.  But I have got to hold onto the promise that this deep desire for more children has come from Him, and He will be faithful in His own timing.  That is what I cling to.